I'm Ok
by mtd4417
Summary: Songfic. Sequel to my miniseries about Spinelli's high school years. It's a songfic showing where she is and how she's dealing with the aftermath of her father's abuse.


A/N: I haven't posted on the Recess page for a while, since I deleted "Come Home", so I figured I'd post this. It's only a song-fic, but it's something at least. It's called "I'm Ok" and it's a song-fic to a song by Christina Aguilera. I heard this song and new it'd be perfect for my idea. This is a sequel to my miniseries about Spinelli's high school years. I hope you like it and RR!

disclaimer: I do not own Recess, any characters, or this song. Nor do I have any connection with the singer of this song.

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Ashley Spinelli-Dettweiler stood leaning on the wooden bars, peering over the side of the crib at her sleeping baby girl. She looked so perfect. Her soft, flawless, China-doll complexion framed with a few strands of chestnut brown hair. Her long eyelashes fluttered every now and then in her sleep. She cooed slightly and turned, hugging her teddy bear closer to her body, making Spinelli smile. She loved her daughter. Chelsea was all Spinelli had ever dreamed of those months that she was pregnant. As Spinelli stood there watching her baby sleep, her thoughts drifted to what the day had been. Today had been the anniversary of the day she had last seen her father. Thinking of that day brought back many memories; memories Spinelli wished she could forget, but knew she never would.

****

Once upon a time there was a girl.

In her early years she had to learn.

How to grow up living in a war that she called home.

Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm.

Growing up in the Spinelli household had been a living hell. Now, six years after her high school graduation, Spinelli wondered how anyone could ever treat a child the way she'd been treated. Children are a blessing; a gift from God. They should be loved and cherished. But Ashley Spinelli had spent her life afraid, that is, until that day six years ago when her father left her life for good. She and her mother had grown so far apart, but were suddenly closer once her father was gone. Spinelli had learned that her father had been abusing not only her, but her mother as well. How could she not have seen it? Was she so absorbed with her own problems that she didn't even notice something happening in her own home? She thought so at first, until she remembered one night when she was only eight years old, before her father had begun taking his alcoholism out on her. It was terrible. The noises, the yelling. She was scared to move. All she could do was cry and pray. That was the only night she had heard her father and mother going at it, but she had always suspected. Once she hit high school though, she forgot all about that and was focused on her own problems. So many memories... so many painful memories.

****

Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face

Every time my father's fist would put her in her place.

Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room.

Hoping it would be over soon.

Once her father had been taken away six years ago, Spinelli had thought she could lead a normal life. She was wrong. Something like that never leaves you. It's always there. You're always looking over your shoulder, wondering is he's really gone. Those few years living in that war of a home had scarred her for life.

****

Bruises fade father

But the pain remains the same.

I still remember

How you kept me so afraid.

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave.

Every morning that I wake

I look back at yesterday

And I'm ok.

She'd felt like an outsider all through high school. No one understood. Not that she had expected them too. No one even knew the pain she was enduring daily. But they found out. The found out in their freshman year of high school and things were never the same again. It had seemed to Spinelli that the more her friends knew, the worse her life at home got. How many times had Spinelli tried to take her own life, only to fail and go right back into the pain and suffering that was her home. She would cry herself to sleep every night, begging God to let her escape. To let her wake up and see that it was all just a terrible dream and that it wasn't real. She never woke up. Thing just got worse and worse. And every day, it seemed like her father was succeeding. It seemed that if she didn't kill herself, her father's beatings would definitely do it. But she knew she couldn't give him that satisfaction. She was already separate from everyone. That should have been enough for him. But it wasn't.

****

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt.

When it's you who helped me

Put up all these walls I've built.

Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door.

The echo of a broken child screaming

"Please no more"

He got what he wanted though. She was scarred. She would never be the same again. Everyone around her could lead normal lives and be happy; not her. She'd always been different and she knew she always would be.

****

Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done?

To you it's just a memory,

But for me it still lives on.

Bruises fade father

But the pain remains the same.

And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid.

Strength is my mother

For all the love she gave.

Every morning that I wake

I look back at yesterday.

The scars remained, physically and emotionally. Scars along her back, on her arms, legs, and even face and head. Makeup covered some of it up, but she couldn't hide it all. People often questioned her, and she would never tell them. She wanted more than anything just to forget it all. But it couldn't be done. No matter how hard she tried, she still saw the visions clearly in her head. She still woke in the middle of the night covered in cold sweat, but not remembering why. She wanted to be normal, but she couldn't.

****

It's not so easy to forget

All the marks you left along her neck.

When I was thrown against cold stairs.

And every day afraid to come home

In fear of what I might see there.

Now, six years later, Spinelli had married her longtime boyfriend TJ Dettweiler, and had her first child, Chelsea Morgan Dettweiler. Her life was certainly brightening up, and even though she knew the memories would always be there, she also knew she would be able to move on, even if she would always be haunted in the back of her head. She would be the greatest mother she possibly could be to Chelsea and had vowed never to let anything happen to her. Chelsea was her life. Spinelli loved her more than anything and couldn't imagine anything ever happening to her baby. While her life had not been to good in the past, she knew she would make the best of it in the future. With one last smile, Spinelli bent over the side of the crib and kissed Chelsea's soft forehead before exiting the nursery.

****

Bruises fade father

But the pain remains the same.

And I still remember

How you kept me so afraid.

Strength is my mother

For all the love she gave.

Every morning that I wake

I look back at yesterday

And I'm ok.

I'm ok.

0-0-0

A/N: Well, there it is. That's all there is to the "sequel". It was just basically to let everyone know how Spin was doing six years after the whole incident. I plan on posting my next Recess fic "Under My Skin", not to be confused with my deleted story "Beneath My Skin", soon. Just watch for that one. I don't know how well exactly this song fitted with the story, but I think it did alright. But, what I think doesn't matter. It rests with you readers. Please review and tell me what you think. Don't flame me for spelling errors because I know I might have made some, but I'm only human. So, let me know what you think. RR!


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